The last couple weeks I was so, so blocked. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I had fears of putting my pen to paper. I feared sitting at my desk with a blank canvas. I felt worthless, stuck and small. I avoided the creative process by eating a ton of chips (like, a ton), watching Queer Eye and organizing my inbox like 12 times. Sound familiar? Okay, cool, keep reading.
“I am not a real artist.”
“Real artists don’t get blocked.”
“I knew I should’ve never put myself out there, look at me now. I’m worthless.”
“I need to quit.”
“I am a failure"
These thoughts were viscous. They were non-stop. They hit me hard in the face anytime my kind, encouraging inner self was like "go ahead, draw something."
Pretty mean, right? It’s wild the awful things we can make up about ourselves. Now that I'm on the other side of this MAJOR creative block, I’m taking a step back to listen and unpack what I was experiencing; all of these thoughts were all complete bullshit. They are lies and they DO NOT exist without me creating them. I am making them up, based on past experiences and stories I’ve made up about what being a creative is. They come from many years of feeling like I'm not cool enough, smart enough, outgoing enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. They come from expectations that I create of what it means to be an expert. [I'll share more about all the inner child work I'm doing at a later date!]
The awareness piece is sometimes all we need to truly believe that we will come out on the other side of whatever we're dealing with, and we will be okay. We need to take the time to recognize where our thoughts, our stories and our blocks come from. We need to nurture ourselves on even the hardest of days. We need to practice patience, kindness and grace.
Patience persevered. It wasn't easy and it paid off. I let myself rest more, play more and sit with the discomfort. And yesterday I was in my damn flow! I had a shift from my mind to my body and as I was creating pretty little things, it's like the colors, shapes and textures were come from the divine. I couldn't even force my mind to think. I felt at ease, I felt embodied, I felt at home. And it felt damn good to be back!
So, my theory is: creativity comes, and creativity goes. I can’t expect this flow to last forever. In fact, I know it won’t. So I’m going to ride this flow by creating beautiful pieces that make me feel something. And I’m going to share them you.
If you feel blocked now or you're in your flow now: nurture what you need RIGHT NOW. Take advantage of the creative juices while they're around and nurture your inner child when she needs a little space to breathe.